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Young Writers Society



tears

by silas switch


i stood on the threshhold of the computer room. he had his back turned to me. i was angry. something i cant even remember...

but i stood there.

and waited.

things come blurry, like when on the verge of tears. i just saw something come flying at me. a book? all i remember was that it hurt. i was stunned. i was on the ground and something just... just snapped.

i cried. i cried for all the years i was hit, kicked, pranked, called names, threatened. i sobbed and sobbed and yelled at him. he was at my side. his hands hovered around me. his hair in his eyes, as always. he was whispering, "i'm sorry, i'm sorry. please don't tell mom. please don't tell."

i turned away from him. nothing mattered anymore...... nothing mattered.

little did i know that every year, he would get worse.

a knife being thrown at me,

horrible names,

and always the laughing........

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94 Reviews

Points: 5588
Reviews: 94

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Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:15 pm
Eliza:) wrote a review...



i stood

Capitalize I.

on the threshhold

Threshhold is spelled threshold.

he had his back turned to me.

Capitalize he.

i was angry. something i cant even remember...

Capitalize I and combine the two sentences.

but i stood there.
and waited.

Capitalize but and combine the two sentences or something like that.

things come blurry

Capitalize things and use another word besides come. Come doesn't make sense in the sentence.

i just saw something come flying at me.

Capitalize I and just isn't needed in the sentence.

all i remember was that it hurt. i was stunned. i was on the ground and something just... just snapped.

Capitalize all of the I's and the all. Also combine all three sentences.

i cried. i cried for all the years i was

Capitalize the I's.

i sobbed and sobbed and yelled at him. he was at my side. his hands hovered around me. his hair in his eyes, as always.

Capitalize everything that needs to be capitalized and try to change the beginnings of the sentences.

he was whispering, "i'm sorry, i'm sorry. please don't tell mom. please don't tell."
i turned away from him. nothing mattered anymore...... nothing mattered.

Capitalize he, I, please, and nothing.

little did i know that every year, he would get worse.
a knife being thrown at me,
horrible names,
and always the laughing

Capitalize little and a.

Your story was okay, but it could had been better. You never capitalized the beginning of each sentence and you often used the same words at the beginning of the sentence. Work on it a little more next time.




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98 Reviews

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Reviews: 98

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Sun Mar 15, 2009 9:01 pm
chasingcolts21 wrote a review...



Hello, I'm Colt and I will be critiquing this piece today.

Welcome to YWS! I hope you have had a grand time so far! How do you like it? If you need help around here, feel free to private message (PM) me.

I see you are a new member, but I must say this. We have a strict rule stating that for every work, whether it be poetry, story, or anything in between, you MUST have reviewed two pieces of someone else's work. Let me explain why we have this rule. If no one reviewed anyone else's work, then no one's work would ever get reviewed, therefore making no point to the site and, probably the site would get closed. The site's point is for the young writers to strengthen their skills and abilities as writers and readers alike. Now that I said that, let me get to your work.

1. Like Sea said, please capitalize! It gets really annoying. If you try publishing it, I doubt any editor would accept it.
2. Dialogue is supposed to be indented, keep that in mind
3. Like Sea said (again), this needs to be expanded. It leaves the reader confused, not wanting more. I would fix that opposite reaction.

If you need help with anything, feel free to PM me as well.
--Colt--




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247 Reviews

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Reviews: 247

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Fri Mar 13, 2009 2:27 am
Searria H. wrote a review...



There was a good idea here, but I didn't really feel anything for your character. It was too short. You tell us that she had been the target of a lot, but I would like you to show us.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE capitalize all of your "I"s when used as pronouns. It just looks poor.

This piece is filled with fragments, and it gets a little distracting. Some of these you could put together to form complete sentences.

i was angry. something i cant even remember...

I would say, "I was angry about something that I can't even remember now..." But you can reword it any way you like.



he was at my side. his hands hovered around me. his hair in his eyes, as always.

All three of these you can combine. "He was at my side with his hands hovering nervously around me, his hair in his eyes as always." He seems too sorry to me. If he's not abusive, then WHY did he throw a knife at the narrator?

You need to give us more information here. Show us things instead of telling us, and don't worry, all writers have to work on that. Make us feel for this person. I truly hope this isn't a true story.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

-Sea-





Tons of cowering! Plus your name in the summer programme. A custom-designed banner. A cabin at Camp Half-Blood. Two shrines. I'll even throw in a Kymopoleia action figure.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus